I have no confidence in bed (or with myself, really) and can't speak up enough or be bold enough to get off. How do you teach confidence?

Q: I'll be moving in with my boyfriend in the next month and obviously there will be sex involved--yay. But we've always had the same problem: I have no confidence in bed (or with myself, really) and can't speak up enough or be bold enough to get off. It's bad enough that I can't be on top during sex because I can't focus and assume he's not enjoying it. How do you teach confidence?

A: Confidence isn’t really something I can teach you. Confidence is something you either feel or you don’t, and if you aren’t feeling it, my best advice is to fake it.

Think of how you’d act if you did feel confident in bed: would you enjoy yourself more? Switch positions more often? Take a more active role? Talk dirty? Wear lingerie? Whatever it is that you’d do as a confident person that you’re not doing now, try doing anyway. You don’t have to feel confident to act confident, right?

So let go of the idea that there’s some kind of magic switch that needs to get flipped before you can start having the kind of sex you want to have. We tend to believe our feelings must dictate our behavior—in other words, that you have to feel uninhibited and sexy to behave like an uninhibited and sexy lover. But in reality, it’s backwards: how we act affects how we feel. Think of someone who runs 10 miles a day, and therefore feels athletic, energized, and in shape. If that person waited until she felt fit and healthy to start working out, she’d never even lace up her running shoes! She feels physically fit because she runs, she doesn’t run because she feels fit, right?

So fake it. Think of all the things you’d do if you felt confident in bed, and do them. Make a deal with yourself: tell yourself you’re allowed to feel as shy as you like in bed, as long as you act like the bold, sensual vixen you’ve always wanted to be. Concentrate on the external factors—what would that vixen say? What would she wear? What kind of positions would she try? Copy her exactly. Buy her a wardrobe, sexy footwear, and props. Remember: you don’t have to feel anything, as long as you’re impersonating her exactly as you imagine her in every detail.

Once you’re regularly having the kind of sex you’ve always dreamed of having, you’ll be amazed at how much confidence you gain. Like the athlete who feels physically fit because she runs 10 miles a day, your sense of sexual well-being will develop as you practice your new skills and pretty soon, you won’t be faking a single thing.

 
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